Hold Up

As if it’s too little too late

As if what I try to do now pales in comparison to my monumental failures before this point

If I continue to give care, I hope it will become seen as the new norm

But I am seen as a selfish pariah in from the cold

A leopard who doesn’t change their spots

Who doesn’t have it in them, really, who is weak

Who doesn’t feel like what they can ever do is good enough so why bother trying anyway,

The caregiver is given to castigation when they try to decide their own boundaries.

It would be easier to continue in the dynamic of selfishness.

But this would not help me see that loneliness is not the natural state of affairs within myself

And this would not help her when she is in need and expects of me some assistance

Love sometimes does not get love in return

What it can get you is spiteful anger in its perceived lack in the past,

And a just cause for retribution in seeking reparations

And a desire to punish you for simply being the one they depend on.

Caring for someone else places you in line to be prescribed as selfish or not good enough

By marking past failures and using them as ammunition.

And the idea that they are at your mercy or you are at their grace forms a power dynamic

Because the loveless moments have spun a weave of fear draped over any new movement

A fear that love may be lost again to the great prophesies wrought in dark nights.

Instead of seeking forgiveness, you will never get it.

You instead, have to earn it, and only then may they try to understand your perspective.

But whether or not they seek to understand this is their choice.

And such a choice can only be made once their immediate needs are met.

I did what I had to do to survive

The kicker:
You cant expect anyone to know,
And you cant expect anyone to give a shit from that premise
You also cant expect anyone to care
Once they do know.
Only if they get it, do they know.